I am sitting here trying to work on your service program and gathering photos, it is so hard because I really don’t want to….it’s a final letting go of you and I don’t want to. I MISS you so much Momma!!! You were not just my Mother, but my Best of Best Friend, my confidant without judgement. We both knew this was coming soon, you prepared me by telling me you were not giving up on life, but your body was shutting down. I know of your years of suffering, more than most people know. The many late in the night time when I was the only one who heard you fall and with my 99 lbs trying to lift you up to get you back into your bed. The years of seeing that look on your face and asking “Momma are you in pain”. You would reply “Yes, it’s just Arthur giving me a hard time”. How you bore your pain without a complaint helped me to deal with mine these last three years. What are the odds that a Mother and Daughter would be diagnosed with different cancers at the same time, The many times you would tell me “stay home and take care of yourself and your students”, I’ll be ok.We did not get to complete your “bucket list”, going to Oakland zoo, to Los Vegas one more time, getting down from your room to play bingo with your friends at Landmark, going to see the Sequel Forest one last time. The last time I saw you and asked about your bucket list, you said “Baby I don’t think I will be able to do all that, I just want to go outside one more time and feel the sun on my face”.I am sorry I was not there at your passing, but maybe that was for the best, because I would have tried to hold onto you a little longer. When I got the call that you were refusing pain med I knew then that you were doing what you knew best. Aaron told me of the smile on your face when he smothered you with kisses just before your passing and that you went in a peaceful manner surrounded by your brothers, son and your best friend.I hope I did right for you with your final years and I hope I do right by your with you final celebration, but it’s so hard, just so hard, but I’ll get it down. I can feel your support and I did know so well. I AM happy you are now free of pain, so many years of pain, and that you did not stay longer to feel it get worse.I will carry out your final wishes, make sure your dolls, stuffed animals, books and hats find a welcome home. But I am still going to miss you so much. I saved a recording of your voice saying “Hi Baby” and that will get me by. Also please note, don’t be surprised if I try to get you binders of poems published. ?? Yours is a story of Endurance and it should be told. When it became too much and you called out to God to help you, he did so by ending your pain.Love you always and forever Momma, until we meet again.
